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(excerpt from The Polyamory Toolkit)

In some polyamorous relationships, sex isn’t part of the picture at all.

I have had three poly relationships that did not include sex.

So (lets talk) about relationships that the people involved decide that sex isn’t going to be part of it. Some examples are friends of ours that decided on a polyamory relationship style even though some in the ‘pod’ identify as asexual (someone who doesn’t have any sexual desires). Another two people who identify as each other’s ‘primary’ are a male/female coupling but both identify sexually as gay; thus although they don’t have sex with each other, they are intimate with other partners. Others we know have decided to avoid sex due to health – one has a sexually transmitted infection. They want to stay together but chose to avoid sex. And there are other reasons – some as simple as mismatched libidos – that sex may not be part of a poly relationship.

But in all of these situations of people I’ve known, there is a very real level of connection and love. Equal to any other polyamory relationship. 

As I mentioned, I’ve had a few relationships where sex didn’t become part of things. In these cases, they did potentially have sex on the table to start, and an understanding that things might be headed in that direction. But for various reasons, they did not. Each of these relationships did include intimacy of various levels – holding hands, cuddles, or other physical expressions of connection. Just not “penis in vagina”…or penis in anything else.

These were all legitimate polyamorous relationships. The reason sex wasn’t part of it varied but it wasn’t the core of a relationship and thus, not that important. We sometimes hear people joke that “polyamory isn’t all about the sex”, in truth, it really isn’t.  

The Polyamory Toolkit

 A book that focuses on specific tools people can use to address the common issues and deeper aspects of a polyamorous relationship. This work includes topics such as: Jealousy, Compersion – finding joy in your partners’ joy, Communication, Mitigating Triggers, Creating a Solid Foundation, and so much more.

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