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(excerpt from The Polyamory Toolkit)

I once started a relationship and, not wanting my current partner to be worried about it, I told her we are just dating but it wouldn’t go anywhere. Fast forward twelve years and we all own a house together….

One of the polyamory mistakes I made allot in the beginning was being protective of my partners. That doesn’t sound like a mistake, it sounds like a kind and generous way to be. But the way I did it was problematic. Specifically, I didn’t want anyone to have hurt feelings so I would minimize or not share small details that I didn’t think mattered. But of course those small details make up part of the story, so one day your partner hears you are ‘occasionally dating for sexy time’ and then to them suddenly you are planning a 4 day romantic cruise.

We call this tool Managing Surprises. That means we do our best to limit those moments that suddenly our partners are faced with something they had no expectation was coming. Now, life is fluid and changes in the blink of an eye and surprises will happen. But often we can take steps to avoid unnecessary surprises.


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The Polyamory Toolkit

 A book that focuses on specific tools people can use to address the common issues and deeper aspects of a polyamorous relationship. This work includes topics such as: Jealousy, Compersion – finding joy in your partners’ joy, Communication, Mitigating Triggers, Creating a Solid Foundation, and so much more.

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