(excerpt from The Polyamory Toolkit)
Of course I take things personally. Everything is about me, right? Well, not so much it turns out. Other people’s actions certainly ‘feel’ like i should be taking it personally. My emotions tell me it’s personal. But, it’s really not – not usually anyway.
When one of my partners goes out with another partner and I’m feeling jealous or lonely or fearful, sometimes we don’t want to admit that those are our feelings and we are responsible for them. Instead, it’s easier to put the blame on someone else and to think that they are ‘doing’ something to us, or behaving a certain way because of something we did and we are being punished. But, usually, that has nothing to do with what they are doing.
Realizing that i was blaming my emotions on someone else’s actions and not taking personal responsibility for them, had me looking for another tool. And as the Universe does, it provided me with a book that had a tool that has really helped me out. The book is, ‘The Four Agreements’(1). It has some great wisdom in it, but one of the things I took away from it that has really helped me in my poly experiences is the idea of ‘Not Taking Things Personally’. Easy right? The world doesn’t revolve around us, right? Well, this idea is harder than it sounds. For some reason, most of us think that other people’s actions have something to do with us because we see life through our own eyes, our own filters, our own perceptions. But, most of the time, other people’s actions really don’t have anything to do with us.
The Polyamory Toolkit
A book that focuses on specific tools people can use to address the common issues and deeper aspects of a polyamorous relationship. This work includes topics such as: Jealousy, Compersion – finding joy in your partners’ joy, Communication, Mitigating Triggers, Creating a Solid Foundation, and so much more.