Couples Privilege

Posted On November 7, 2019

Dawn says


So, as you may have noticed, Dan and I in a polyamorous relationship that involves other partners. We are also a couple. We’ve raised kids together, pay bills together, run a business together and we share dreams and goals. Some may say we have ‘couple’s privilege’, which is a descriptor that is used in a negative way. 


But, you will find that many polyamorous people start out as couples and then realize that they are different than other couples and try this polyamory thing. As they do, there will be hurdles to jump. Some will have to work around babysitting. Some will have to work around finances and figure out how dates and gifts get paid for. Many won’t be willing to give away the kids, separate finances or divorce, just so they aren’t a couple anymore. Which means those things have to be thought about and worked through. 


My boyfriend is married. I knew this going in and felt it would be rude to ask for a time that he was already spending with family. Over time as his kids have gotten older, he’s had more time available which we make use of, but I still have no interest in challenging him for equal time or ‘if he really loved me he’d spend more time with me.’ 


Just like, his wife keeps in touch with him while he and I are out. I also keep in touch with Dan. The boyfriend and I understand that we each have other partners, and the way we do poly means we don’t try to separate ourselves from our other partners. Now his wife and my husband don’t text us constantly, but if Dan needs to know where something is, he texts me. If the boyfriend’s wife just got a picture of their new grandbaby, she sends it to him. It’s not a big deal. 


Polyamory doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s a mishmash of different relationships, for most of us. And a couple of my partners happen to be coupled with others. Sometimes, if I want to go out with the girlfriend, she has to discuss it with the husband. It’s not asking permission necessarily but discussed to make sure someone can be home to walk the dog, who gets the car, who is picking up who after the date. 


I’m not attached to what people want to call this. To me, it’s just a relationship style that is part of my polypod, and I’ll work with as needed. As I said, I have no interest in challenging their relationship style to make mine seem more valid or as valid. If I needed to do that, we probably wouldn’t be a good fit.

exert from Polyamory Toolkit

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The Polyamory Toolkit

 A book that focuses on specific tools people can use to address the common issues and deeper aspects of a polyamorous relationship. This work includes topics such as: Jealousy, Compersion – finding joy in your partners’ joy, Communication, Mitigating Triggers, Creating a Solid Foundation, and so much more.

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